I was waiting at the reception of the doctors' clinic area in a hospital. Three people sat beside and they engaged in a chatter. The guy said, "Are you saying that you are sad because you don't have work? You are luckier! I'm more sad because I have so much work".
Contentment seems to be a relative thing, having in mind that scene. Men are never happy of what they have.
We seem to look for the perfect happiness, but there's no such thing in this imperfect world.
I was a career person. In fact, I have confused my career with my life. In my sub-conscious, written in my forehead: "I live to work, not work to live". Something like that. I would give my 100% to the company. Even encountered hard-to-deal situations, co-workers, colleagues and even bosses. But nah, I have charged all of that to experience. Learned a lot from it and I moved on the career ladder.
I came to my career's "peak" after 16 years in the profession. And after that, I came into a decision that would change the course of my life.
I quit my job. I closed that door. But there are no regrets. I closed the door because:
1. I realized that after giving so much of myself, I need to give to myself this time.
2. I noticed that small things we take for granted becomes big, and it can be a bomb.
3. I know I can leave part of my future to faith after making a decision.
Giving to Myself
As days and nights passed in my career life, I had never looked above the night sky and watch the moon and the stars. When I decided to quit my job, I tried to look again. It brought back memories of my childhood when after the parish church has played the Angelus at 6:00pm, I would sit near the trunk of the guava tree, watched the twilight, watched the quarter moon and the evening star rise together from the west. As the sun faded, the other stars would appear. I would pinpoint to myself the constellations I knew: Big Dipper, Small Dipper, Orion, Leo, Cassiopeaia, etc. I even claimed the evening star as "My Star". I would wish upon it, talk to God about my dreams with it until the sky was totallly engulfed in star-lit darkness.
Well, that was when I was 7 years old.
I'm now 38. I did it again on the first night that I quit my job. And I was blanketed with serenity which I have never felt for so long. It was pure simple bliss. I felt that it was a moment that I was deprived of.
Things I deprived myself, I now have the time to give. I'm doing paintings again. I'm back to writing. I used to write using paper and pen but with the advent of technology, I'm now doing it in my PC. I now have my digital diary. And having my own blog. That keeps me fulfilled without being hard at work.
Never Taking Small Things for Granted
Why am I in a hospital? It was because I was sick. Imagine, 3 illnesses which I have developed when I was still having a busy career life.
At the Cardiologist's clinic: frequent headaches and whirly visions, I would just pop up a pill and it was gone. Never occured to me that I was already having Hypertension Stage 1.
At the Pulmonologist's clinic: severe colds and coughs, I would just pop up a pill, too. Never occurred to me that I have acute sinusitis and bronchitis. It is already part of my system. As per the doctor, it is just there, it will happen again when stimulated.
At the Gynecologist's clinic: pro-longed bleeding, I would just buy iron vitamin and dozens of sanitary napkin. Never occurred to me that I have already developed huge cervical polyps which may show changes that may lead to cervical cancer.
I have learned that I should not ignore anything this small. It can grow.
Like a small bitterness hidden in the heart that may grow into animosity or like a seed that may grow into a huge mustard. Or little acts of random kindness that may grow into selfless love.
Leaving My Future to Faith
Most of the things in my life were planned for every step of the way and took full control of. There were also situations when I left things to chance. But how much of my decisions have I left to faith? Like quitting my career which I held on for so many years?
I think a balance between of what is left to faith and what is left for me to do is crucial. I do my part and make my decisions and let God do His. Only then, can I walk and grow in faith.
Again, this is another journey I'm treading on. I does not mean that I will forget about my profession. I have studied hard and passed my licensure examination and had come a long way to reach my career peak. I believe that there are alternative ways to strike a balance between career and life, without sacrificing the latter's quality and also of physical and spiritual health.
I stand by what Alexander Graham Bell said below but I will not let the echoes behind the closed doors hinder.
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
When all doors are closed, a window will do. :-)